Hastings United

2 - 4

AFC Hornchurch

McFarlane (o.g.) 3, Ballard 15

H/T 2 - 2 Att.: 604

Hastings United

AFC Hornchurch

HASTINGS UTD 2 HORNCHURCH 4
Hastings is famous for a number of reasons, the most important of which is the world renowned Hastings Rarities, a series of ultra rare birds located in that area. There have been no recent rarities – until last season, when a black billed Hastings gull was located at the Pilot Field. Today, no black billed gull, but there it was – standing squawking just inside the entrance, a yellow billed albatross, from Hastings, and known locally as Batlov.

With John Purdie out with injury, Jim McFarlane came into the starting line up, and took over as captain, whilst Paul Shave came into the squad. A crowd of 603, with one hundred from Hornchurch, had assembled at the start. Once again, the pitch sloped drastically from north to south, and the home side were playing down the Eiger in the first half.

And it was the steep slope, plus the strong wind which gusted just at the right time for the home side, which saw Hastings go one up after just two minutes and 34 seconds. A throw in was conceded about ten yards inside the Urchins half, and up stepped ANDY BALLARD to hurl the ball with tremendous force goalwards, and it went straight into the net via the head of Jim McFarlane. One nil, and the home following were jubilant. Batlov flapped his wings and almost took off in delight. Urchins came back strongly, and from Donny Barnard’s free kick Mark Janney won a corner, which Andy Tomlinson swerved into the goal and keeper Nessling did well to punch away under pressure. The ball went only as far as Frank Curley who hit it straight back again, and his shot hit Spice and Ballard completed the clearance.

Another throw in, and up comes Ballard again to hurl the ball goalwards, and this time Mark Goodfellow headed away, and the ball went upfield to Dean Green who sent Kris Lee clear, and Kris hit in a hard shot which skimmed the bar.

Hastings had come onto the pitch to ‘We will rock you’ but judging by the horrendous tackle on Frank Curley, it should have been ‘We will crock you’. Frank needed lengthy treatment, and the referee did nothing at all other than to speak briefly to the offender, who walked away unpunished, whilst Curley limped off a few minutes later, to be replaced by Lee Hodges. From the free kick, the ball was played out to Mark Janney, whose centre went behind the goal. And then it was long throw time again, and this time it was Elliot Styles who headed away from Ballard, the ball being promptly returned and Dale Brightly just as promptly punted it long and deep for Kris Lee to head down to Dean Green, whose shot screamed over the bar by inches. Green then made a long solo run along the left and was eventually tackled by Radley.

Disaster followed when Hastings had a free kick about 35 yards out and on the left side. Adams floated the ball over and ANDY BALLARD headed it firmly into the net to put the home side two up.

Statistical record – last season Amos Foyewa broke the record for the shortest ever appearance by a Hornchurch player when he came onto the pitch at 93.01, just fourteen seconds before the end. And today another statistical record was set up – the fastest ever goal after the other side had scored, for Urchins rushed the ball back to the centre, and Dean Green stormed down the right wing, crossed, to Andy Tomlinson in the inside left position, and Andy’s neat header back was headed home by KRIS LEE – just 16 seconds after Hastings appeared to be home and dry. The roar from one hundred Urchins was such that there were earthquake warnings as far away as Pevensey Bay. Urchins were back, and not only were they back, there was only ever going to be one result after this.

Hastings tried hard to get back into the match, but they never had a chance, thanks to a magnificent save by Dale Brightly from Sawyer’s well struck free kick, and Dale repeated the act a minute later, this time from Attwood’s equally well hit free kick. And then it was Dale again, this time when McFarlane was penalised after what seemed an innocuous tackle on Gonnella, when he turned White’s twice taken free kick onto the post, and Brown hammered the ball off the line and out for a corner. Attwood sent the corner over and Dale saved. Dale was in action again, saving an Adams free kick – Hastings varied every free kick they took, which certainly livened things up in defence.

Lee Brown sent Kris Lee away on the left, and Kris; cross was headed away by Radley for a corner. Hodges took the corner and Whyborne only half cleared, Styles put it back again, and there was a loud appeal for hand ball, surely the most blatant hand ball ever witnessed on the Pilot Field, but the referee allowed play to continue, the ball going back upfield and out for yet another Ballard long throw, which Ramsey headed on and Dale tipped over for a corner, taken by Adams. Goodfellow headed away and Adams played the ball back across goal.

Urchjns levelled when Dean Green made an excellent run in from the left, and was brought down by Ballard – why no yellow card? – and MARK JANNEY calmly slotted the ball home, and there it was, nestling in the net behind keeper Nessling. Two two, everyone happy, except Batlov the Hastings albatross. Almost on half time, an excellent pass by Radley sent Sawyer clear down the middle, but he was quickly shut down by the defence and the chance was lost.

At half time, the crowd were entertained by the Hastings Hot Shotsr, who pranced up and down each swinging their two large pom poms, and a five a side match was played with eleven players on each side by the Broad Oak Youth club – the result was a goalless draw, but the crowd loved it – apart from UM, who went looking for the rare yellow billed albatross as he wanted to shoot it and claim it as a first for the UK. It is not widely known, but the Hastings pitch is tidal, and with the tide receding, the slope diminished at the interval, leaving an almost flat playing surface, giving the Urchins no advantage whatsoever.

The second half started with the now obligatory long throw by Ballard, the ball this time being headed firmly by Ramsay, and a goalmouth scramble ensued, the biased home crowd screaming loudly for hand ball – the referee did not see it, and nor did anyone else - before Barnard hammered the ball up to Kris Lee, inside his own half, and Kris neatly swivelled and sent an inch perfect pass on to MARK JANNEY, who raced away, outpaced the defence, rounded keeper Nessling, held off what appeared to be an illegal challenge by Spice, and calmly glided the ball home, sending the one hundred Urchins delirious with unmitigated joy.

Back came Hastings, Ballard putting in a good free kick which Dale saved, and promptly hammered back down the other end, where keeper Nessling did well to hold on to the ball almost under the bar. Another Ballard long throw – by now their only tactic left in their armoury – and Ramsay gained possession, to be tackled by Barnard for a corner. Adams sent the ball over and Dale saved well from Ramsay. Andy Ballard almost got his third goal of the match, when he tried a spectacular thirty yard back pass to keeper Nessling, who had to race back to hook the ball out for a corner, to prevent what would have been the most spectacular own goal ever witnessed at the Pilot Field. Nessling then saved well from Tomlinson’s corner.

Dean Green once again broke through and once again was chopped down – the only possible decision was a red card, but none was forthcoming, just a pathetically waved yellow - and Hodges took the free kick on the edge of the area, and Nessling made an excellent save.

Urchins were dominant, supreme, and so confident that the tannoy should have been playing Sweet Georgia Brown. Elliot Styles rose to head away an Adams corner, and on came Paul Shave for his debut, with Hodges limping off.

Green to Lee but Kris could not get the ball over and it went out for a goal kick. Paul Shave was certainly attracting some attention in midfield, and the one hundred Urchins collectively wondered why Billericay had let him go, and by now Hastings were in full retreat mode. And then it was comedy time. Keeper Nessling ran out to the touchline to retrieve a harmless looking ball, Dean Green moved forward towards the keeper, who casually sidefooted to Ballard – and PAUL SHAVE nipped in to dispossess Ballard and calmly slot the ball into the empty net. Cue delirium and another earthquake warning in Pevensey Bay.

On came Simon Parker, and for the last fifteen minutes it was one way traffic, though the closest to a goal came when Simon put a long ball out to Lee Brown whose high lobbed centre beat the keeper but dropped on to the roof of the net.

An incredible performance by the little pub side from Essex, a thoroughly deserved three points, and where was Batlov the albatross? He had flown off long ago, accompanied by a troupe of the even rarer Hastings yellow jacketed penguins.

Hastings United

AFC Hornchurch